Dawn Allcot ~ It Had to be Said

"It Had to be Said..."
Comments on the Decline of Humanity's Intelligence

My husband mentioned an article he read last week, about what's being called a "Brain Drain" on Long Island. Apparently, young couples who have recently graduated college are taking their degrees and fleeing the Island, due to the high cost of housing.

My response? "I kept telling you Long Islanders were getting more stupid!" Now there's statistical proof! Read below for my purely anecdotal evidence, based on my part-time retail job and everyday experiences.

"What is this, Mallory Square?"
It wasn't the strangest thing that's ever happened to me at Barnes & Noble, but it was close to it. At 9:45 tonight, I was up near the cash registers, straightening the tables in the front of the store. A man asked me, "Do you want to see a magic trick? Like a card trick?"

I stared at him dumbfounded, my brain trying to come up with the right answer--the response that would make him go away. "Um, No?" I said. "I'm sorry. I have work to do. I can't." I even managed to sound truly regretful about it.

"Oh, okay," he said, backing away. "I understand you're at work. That's why I asked first. But I thought maybe you were a manager and could get away with it."

Whew. Apparently, I gave the right answer. I don't think I will ever understand people.

"30-Day Return Policy"

I could write an entire book about people trying to return merchandise that no store could possibly take back. And, while last night's customer didn't ask the strangest question I've ever heard, it was definitely up there in the top ten. Fortunately, she didn't actually have the merchandise with her, so she didn't press the issue or make a big deal.

She had just purchased a book, and it seemed like her question was just in the interest of making conversation. I, on the other hand, was in one of those moods where I was so tired, I said everything that popped into my mind.

"Let me ask you," she begins. She had bought a Christmas Collection CD for $5 before the holiday. She wanted Christmas Jazz. But when she got home and opened it up, Christmas Soul was in the case labeled Christmas Jazz. (It happens.) Except she didn't bring it right back to the store. Instead, she put it in her CD player and played it for two months, thinking how horrible the music was. Now, she'd like to exchange it for the correct CD.

"You bought it back in December? Two months ago?" I clarified.

"Well... yes."

"We can't take that back," I said. "You bought it two months ago, and it's already opened. And played. Why didn't you bring it back right away?"

"Well, you know," she said, dismissively. "With the holidays and all. I played the CD for the whole season, thinking it was awful, and didn't realize it wasn't the right one. I only realized it when I was putting my Christmas decorations away. I saw "Christmas Soul," and I said, 'I didn't buy this!' Then I found the case to Christmas Jazz."

"We can't take back two month old merchandise that's already been opened and played extensively. It's used."

"But I don't want to return it, I just want to exchange it for the correct CD."

Return. Exchange. Whatever you call it, we would be taking back two-month-old, used merchandise. Not that we could exchange it anyway--we haven't sold that CD since mid-January. I told her she should come back next year and buy the right CD.

"Yeah, well I'll open it while I'm in the store, to make sure it's the right one!" she said as she walked away in a huff.

Is it "Stupid Night" Here?

Our local paintball field offers "bring your own paint night" to attract customers. I think our local bookstore has adopted a similar promotion--Monday was "stupid night" at Barnes & Noble.

I’m reminded of the scene from Kevin Smith’s Clerks, in which Dante and Randal talk about which store has the worst customers, and there’s a montage of stupid questions from people. That’s what it felt like at the Information Desk all night. So, as you read, picture these characters through a fish-eye lens, in low-budget black and white.

MAN Standing in Front of New Non-Fiction (paperback) Table: You don’t have any non-fiction paperback books in this store?
JACKIE: (Pointing to the Fiction and Literature section): That’s our fiction section. The whole rest of the store is non-fiction.
Me: (After he left): You do realize we're going to find him in the cafe in a half-hour looking for books.

Obnoxious MAN: You don’t have—those things—where I can see what books you have and how they’re organized?
ME: (in my mind): Yeah, we do. They’re called shelves. Look around.
ME: (aloud): What title are you looking for? I can look it up.
Obnoxious MAN: Yeah, but… I can’t look at the screen?
ME: (Turning monitor around to face him): Sure you can. What title do you want?
Obnoxious MAN: Forget it.
MAN walks away, exasperated. Comes back five minutes later: NOW you can help me.

MAN with Gift Version (an itty, bitty adapted book) of Steven Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: This probably doesn’t have all the same stuff as the regular book, does it?
TJ: (later, when I told him the story): Sure it does. It’s REALLY, REALLY small type.

WOMAN: I’m looking for a book. I don’t remember the name, but I saw it in the other Barnes & Noble displayed next to Cold Mountain.
ME: Do you know the title?
WOMAN: No. Do you have any Cold Mountain displays? It was right next to it.
ME: That book is in about five different places. And we move it every few days. And the displays aren't the same in every store, anyway. Do you know the author of the book you want?
WOMAN: No. But I thought it would be near Cold Mountain. It was in the other store. It was about the Civil War.
ME: Was "Civil War" part of the title?
WOMAN: No, I don’t think so. But there was a woman on the cover. [Pauses] That's probably not enough information, is it?

Snotty WOMAN at 10:10 pm (The store closes at 10 pm.): I’m looking for a little blue book.
JACKIE: Do you have the title?
Snotty WOMAN: No. But it was a little book. And blue.
JACKIE: Do you know who wrote it?
Snotty WOMAN: No. Forget it. [Pauses] I need another book, by Steven O’Connor.
JACKIE (types Steven O’Connor): Do you know what kind of book it is? There are titles for philosophy and medicine by Steven O’Connor.
Snotty WOMAN: I don’t know. Can you read me the titles?
JACKIE: (Reads all 8 titles).
Snotty WOMAN: No, no, those aren’t them. Are you spelling O’Connor right?
JACKIE: (Searches O’Conner, O’Conor, and O’Coner) I tried it with an E, and I tried it with an O. I tried it with two Ns and one N. There are no other titles.
Snotty WOMAN: Spell it with two Cs.

And the topper... the punchline of an utterly ridiculous night...
MAN standing in Religion section, stopping me as I’m walking another customer to self-improvement: Can you tell me where your Religion books are?

My Battle With BureaCRAZY! The bureaucratic nightmare began in September 2003, nearly one month to the day after we got married.
My husband and I returned from our destination wedding in Daytona Beach and honeymoon in the Keys with one less vehicle than when we started. His Chevy Silverado pickup truck broke down and was, at the moment, in Florence, South Carolina—which is another story. Married less than a month and we were a single-car family.

P is for Porch In spite of the fun I've been having at Barnes & Noble, my retail life hit an all-time low this morning. A customer came up to me and announced, "My son had an accident."

Are You Married?! Bookstores are a good place to meet people. They always have been, but since the major ones started adding coffee shops and music departments, they are even better. And this goes not only for the customers, but the employees, as well.

A Well-Stocked Children's Dept. is a Happy Children's Dept The bathroom is often the last refuge for retail employees.
When you don't want to be caught by a manager in the break room, are tired of answering calls for back up to the cash register, and can't face another customer with a stupid question, you can hide in the restroom for five minutes of peace.

If it Weren't for the Last Minute, Nothing Would Get Done! "We need a book about Pocahontas!"
This was the customer's demand.
This was my mission.
The book in question had to be a). factual, b). short enough for an 11-year-old girl to read in one night, c). preferably, the EXACT SAME book the girl had bought yesterday, but left locked in the school the night before her oral report was due.

Right After Harry Potter! Parents looking for books that their children need for school are the worst shoppers. I suspect many of them haven't picked up a book themselves (unless it was recommended by Oprah) since their own school days. They come in with lists, and don't want to take an active part in the shopping experience at all. In fact, they'd be quite happy if I took the list, found the books, and met them in the cafe 20 minutes later, with their purchase ready to go.

Attack of the Killer Skort When I first returned to the world of retail as a department supervisor at Kohl's, I was sure that the experience would give me lots of fodder for interesting stories. In fact, I even had aspirations to write a collection of shorts, perhaps titled, "Tales from the Store Front."

So That's Why They Call it Intimates! Yesterday, I ran into the building, dodging the raindrops, already an hour late because my interview with the book store ran longer than expected. (Longer than expected?! We were chatting for FOUR HOURS!!) Journalist (and wiseass) that I am, I didn't think any of my managers or fellow employees-excuse me, associates--would bat an eye if I told them an "interview" ran late. They'd never know who was asking the questions and who was answering!

	"What is this, Mallory Square?" It wasn't the strangest thing that's ever happened to me at Barnes & Noble, but it was close to it. At 9:45 tonight, I was up near the cash registers, straightening the tables in the front of the store. A man asked me, "Do you want to see a magic trick? Like a card trick?" I stared at him dumbfounded, my brain trying to come up with the right answer--the response that would make him go away. "Um, No?" I said. "I'm sorry. I have work to do. I can't." I even managed to sound truly regretful about it. "Oh, okay," he said, backing away. "I understand you're at work. That's why I asked first. But I thought maybe you were a manager and could get away with it." Whew. Apparently, I gave the right answer. I don't think I will ever understand people. "30-Day Return Policy" I could write an entire book about people trying to return merchandise that no store could possibly take back. And, while last night's customer didn't ask the strangest question I've ever heard, it was definitely up there in the top ten. Fortunately, she didn't actually have the merchandise with her, so she didn't press the issue or make a big deal. She had just purchased a book, and it seemed like her question was just in the interest of making conversation. I, on the other hand, was in one of those moods where I was so tired, I said everything that popped into my mind. "Let me ask you," she begins. She had bought a Christmas Collection CD for $5 before the holiday. She wanted Christmas Jazz. But when she got home and opened it up, Christmas Soul was in the case labeled Christmas Jazz. (It happens.) Except she didn't bring it right back to the store. Instead, she put it in her CD player and played it for two months, thinking how horrible the music was. Now, she'd like to exchange it for the correct CD. "You bought it back in December? Two months ago?" I clarified. "Well... yes." "We can't take that back," I said. "You bought it two months ago, and it's already opened. And played. Why didn't you bring it back right away?" "Well, you know," she said, dismissively. "With the holidays and all. I played the CD for the whole season, thinking it was awful, and didn't realize it wasn't the right one. I only realized it when I was putting my Christmas decorations away. I saw "Christmas Soul," and I said, 'I didn't buy this!' Then I found the case to Christmas Jazz." "We can't take back two month old merchandise that's already been opened and played extensively. It's used." "But I don't want to return it, I just want to exchange it for the correct CD." Return. Exchange. Whatever you call it, we would be taking back two-month-old, used merchandise. Not that we could exchange it anyway--we haven't sold that CD since mid-January. I told her she should come back next year and buy the right CD. "Yeah, well I'll open it while I'm in the store, to make sure it's the right one!" she said as she walked away in a huff. Is it "Stupid Night" Here? Our local paintball field offers "bring your own paint night" to attract customers. I think our local bookstore has adopted a similar promotion--Monday was "stupid night" at Barnes & Noble. I’m reminded of the scene from Kevin Smith’s Clerks, in which Dante and Randal talk about which store has the worst customers, and there’s a montage of stupid questions from people. That’s what it felt like at the Information Desk all night. So, as you read, picture these characters through a fish-eye lens, in low-budget black and white. MAN Standing in Front of New Non-Fiction (paperback) Table: You don’t have any non-fiction paperback books in this store? JACKIE: (Pointing to the Fiction and Literature section): That’s our fiction section. The whole rest of the store is non-fiction. Me: (After he left): You do realize we're going to find him in the cafe in a half-hour looking for books. Obnoxious MAN: You don’t have—those things—where I can see what books you have and how they’re organized? ME: (in my mind): Yeah, we do. They’re called shelves. Look around. ME: (aloud): What title are you looking for? I can look it up. Obnoxious MAN: Yeah, but… I can’t look at the screen? ME: (Turning monitor around to face him): Sure you can. What title do you want? Obnoxious MAN: Forget it. MAN walks away, exasperated. Comes back five minutes later: NOW you can help me. MAN with Gift Version (an itty, bitty adapted book) of Steven Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: This probably doesn’t have all the same stuff as the regular book, does it? TJ: (later, when I told him the story): Sure it does. It’s REALLY, REALLY small type. WOMAN: I’m looking for a book. I don’t remember the name, but I saw it in the other Barnes & Noble displayed next to Cold Mountain. ME: Do you know the title? WOMAN: No. Do you have any Cold Mountain displays? It was right next to it. ME: That book is in about five different places. And we move it every few days. And the displays aren't the same in every store, anyway. Do you know the author of the book you want? WOMAN: No. But I thought it would be near Cold Mountain. It was in the other store. It was about the Civil War. ME: Was "Civil War" part of the title? WOMAN: No, I don’t think so. But there was a woman on the cover. [Pauses] That's probably not enough information, is it? Snotty WOMAN at 10:10 pm (The store closes at 10 pm.): I’m looking for a little blue book. JACKIE: Do you have the title? Snotty WOMAN: No. But it was a little book. And blue. JACKIE: Do you know who wrote it? Snotty WOMAN: No. Forget it. [Pauses] I need another book, by Steven O’Connor. JACKIE (types Steven O’Connor): Do you know what kind of book it is? There are titles for philosophy and medicine by Steven O’Connor. Snotty WOMAN: I don’t know. Can you read me the titles? JACKIE: (Reads all 8 titles). Snotty WOMAN: No, no, those aren’t them. Are you spelling O’Connor right? JACKIE: (Searches O’Conner, O’Conor, and O’Coner) I tried it with an E, and I tried it with an O. I tried it with two Ns and one N. There are no other titles. Snotty WOMAN: Spell it with two Cs. And the topper... the punchline of an utterly ridiculous night... MAN standing in Religion section, stopping me as I’m walking another customer to self-improvement: Can you tell me where your Religion books are?
My Battle With BureaCRAZY!	The bureaucratic nightmare began in September 2003, nearly one month to the day after we got married. My husband and I returned from our destination wedding in Daytona Beach and honeymoon in the Keys with one less vehicle than when we started. His Chevy Silverado pickup truck broke down and was, at the moment, in Florence, South Carolina—which is another story. Married less than a month and we were a single-car family.
P is for Porch	In spite of the fun I've been having at Barnes & Noble, my retail life hit an all-time low this morning. A customer came up to me and announced, "My son had an accident."
Are You Married?!	Bookstores are a good place to meet people. They always have been, but since the major ones started adding coffee shops and music departments, they are even better. And this goes not only for the customers, but the employees, as well.
A Well-Stocked Children's Dept. is a Happy Children's Dept	The bathroom is often the last refuge for retail employees. When you don't want to be caught by a manager in the break room, are tired of answering calls for back up to the cash register, and can't face another customer with a stupid question, you can hide in the restroom for five minutes of peace.
If it Weren't for the Last Minute, Nothing Would Get Done!	"We need a book about Pocahontas!" This was the customer's demand. This was my mission. The book in question had to be a). factual, b). short enough for an 11-year-old girl to read in one night, c). preferably, the EXACT SAME book the girl had bought yesterday, but left locked in the school the night before her oral report was due.
Right After Harry Potter!	Parents looking for books that their children need for school are the worst shoppers. I suspect many of them haven't picked up a book themselves (unless it was recommended by Oprah) since their own school days. They come in with lists, and don't want to take an active part in the shopping experience at all. In fact, they'd be quite happy if I took the list, found the books, and met them in the cafe 20 minutes later, with their purchase ready to go.
Attack of the Killer Skort	When I first returned to the world of retail as a department supervisor at Kohl's, I was sure that the experience would give me lots of fodder for interesting stories. In fact, I even had aspirations to write a collection of shorts, perhaps titled, "Tales from the Store Front."
So That's Why They Call it Intimates!	Yesterday, I ran into the building, dodging the raindrops, already an hour late because my interview with the book store ran longer than expected. (Longer than expected?! We were chatting for FOUR HOURS!!) Journalist (and wiseass) that I am, I didn't think any of my managers or fellow employees-excuse me, associates--would bat an eye if I told them an "interview" ran late. They'd never know who was asking the questions and who was answering!